Wednesday Emails - Tax Code

This email was sent to me by a cousin who always fills up my inbox with forward goodies.

Also, if you have any funny forward emails you'd like the world to see send it to me at absent.tone{@}gmail.com and I'll publish it for the next feature!

Here goes:

The only thing that the Inland Revenue has not taxed yet is the male penis.

This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off,1% of the time it is in a hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2010, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

The brackets are as follows:

10" - 12" - Luxury Tax - $300.00

8" - 10" - Pole Tax - $250.00

5" - 8" - Privilege Tax - $150.00

3" - 5" - Nuisance Tax - $30.00

Please note:

1. Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
2. Anyone under 3" is eligible for a tax refund.

** PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION **


Photo Source: Net Guru Online

A New Notch

Just now, I've added a new item in my resolutions-for-the-year-2010-list:  keeping a diary!

As in a physical one.

Why?

Because I'm trying to remember what really happened in this year, kind of a recap, and save for the major events, nothing's coming up!

So I'll get a diary where I'll note down everything, down to the last nitty gritty bits.

I want to be able to flick through and look up a particular date five years from now, like what happened on Jan 25th 2010?  Maybe one day, if I have a kid, I'll let her (of course it'll be a daughter!) read my entries.  And she'll be aahh-ing and ooh-ing...*sighs*

I'll even pen my weird dreams I've been having lately.  Especially last night.  I was watching Tru Blood before I went to bed.  Apparently, HBO's re-showing the first season.  A chance for me to catch up.  Tru Blood makes me horny!  Ugghhh...I wonder if a Google search will give me vampire porn? Or vampiric porn? Whatever...

After finishing this post, I'll look for Hero's latest season!

Watched The Hangover today and excuse me, it's not that funny.  The movie characters managed to get more than a few  chuckles from me though.  And a couple of occasional laughs.  Like when Stu tells his girlfriend Melissa 'His name is Cesareeee Palace (Palache!!!)'  Or whenever Mr.  Chow talks.

"Hahaha fat guy fall on his face" and "Your cccchhoice bitches"

2 more movies to watch before I stock up again!

Any movie suggestions?

I Question. You Answer.

Most of the times, my head is buzzed with hundreds, if not thousands of thoughts, and questions daily!  I hate using a pen to write so I decided to have a new blog where I'll ask questions, and you lot, awesome people, will answer me.

Please check it out here.

And subscribe!  I beg you.  Please.  LOL

Other than that, nothing much is happening in my life right now.

Well I lie.  Something did happen.

Husband and I are still mulling over it.  Confused is a better word to describe our frame of mind at the present moment.  But this time we'll weigh in the pros and cons before consider taking any action.  Well, again, I lie.  Despite the pros and cons we know what we want.  And we also know that sometimes what we want is not necessarily what we need.

It all depends on how things pan out over the course of January 2010.

I'll keep y'all updated!

On a totally different note, those of you who haven't watched The Blind Side go and see the movie.

Sandra Bullock I love you!!

:)

My Next Life

For the first time since we've been together hubby and I spent Christmas and Boxing Day at home.  We've been watching movie after movie. Eat.  Drink.  Sleep.  Sex.

This morning while having breakfast hubby opted for Public Enemies.  I can't watch it.  It's too boring.  Or maybe I'm not in that frame of mind to watch that kind of movie today.

Anyway, that got me browsing.  And I came upon this blog, Bits and Pieces, and this picture (below).

I couldn't not share it with y'all...go on and have a laugh...

(Click on the picture for a better view)

Your thoughts?

Wednesday Emails: Inspire Or Be Inspired!

I know Christmas is on Friday but honestly I can't say if it's Tuesday or Wednesday today.  I feel quite lost.

Anyway, just in time here's another notch in the Wednesday Emails' feature.

Merry Christmas to each and every one of you out there.  May God bless you...

And here's some warped words of inspiration:

Counting on 2010...

Recently something struck me.

Reading blogs bearing testimonies of funny stories and happy events, I've come to realise that, as happy as I am, my life is pretty dull!

For one whole year, I haven't stepped out that much.  You can call it hibernation of some sorts.  The only time I get to go out is at night time.  I can't remember the last time I went grocery-shopping.  Or clothes-shopping.  Or even window shopping!

If I want something I just need to ask and I'll have it.  In one day, two weeks, 3 months, one year...whatever.  I can't go out on my own since hubby doesn't want me to take the bus.  (Vincy buses are not like the regular bus! It's more like a van and the bus drivers drive like manics, as if they'll be getting a bonus the faster they go.  Furiously speeding and constantly in a rush.)

I never complained until last night.  

Well, I did raise this topic with hubby before but I wouldn't drag it...but now I've had enough.

I feel suffocated...cornered...sheltered...

Hubby kept a tight lip through all my whining and moaning in the past.

Until yesterday when I brought up the topic again.

He recognised how serious I was and promised to deal with the issue.  He also 'fessed up about him wanting to protect me from the locals.  The crime rate in this country is soaring to a frightening point where it's driving him crazy with worry.  I reminded him that I'm not a little girl but a grown up woman and I've been in worse cases before.  I've left home since I was 19 and been coping very well, thank you very much!

Anyway, very soon we'll be bringing in year 2010 and leave behind, hopefully, all the bad luck, and turn over a new leaf. And I made a promise to myself that before the end of next year I'd hop in on one of those local buses and take a hell of a ride to wherever I decide to go.  

And explore the small town on my own.  

Without getting kidnapped or coming to any harm.  

When I just came here, to SVG, I almost got run over by a speedy driver who didn't even bother to stop and apologise.  I was legally crossing the road for God's sake; and he was deeply ensconced in his phone.

Since then, my trips to town have been shortened because, for some obscure reasons, I'm prone to accidents, albeit minor ones.

Come hell or high water, I'll conquer the demons that shadow my every step and beat the odds.  

Even the evens! 

My to-do list for year 2010 keeps getting stretched... 

Bring It On!

First let me say thank you to all my new followers! You all are awesome. :)

I haven't been updating my blog that much because I'm going through a phase.  I don't know if I can call it a low phase?  All I seem to do is think and sleep.

It's time I do something about my current situation.  Find something rejuvenating to do.

Like gardening.  I would love to grow my own tomatoes, lettuce, mint, spring onions etc.  That would give me a sense of purpose and achievement.  I need that right now.

Next, it'd be cooking.  I hate cooking!  But I'm willing to learn for the sake of my hubby.  He likes it when I prepare his meals.  Even if the food don't turn out right he'll eat it.  Poor thing.  I remember how he got jealous when I made my dad some potato and beetroot salad a la Mauritian style.  Hubby was really riled up because I've never made him any kind of potato salad! Then he got upset when my mum fed him briani and he liked it so much.  He thinks I'm depriving him of good Mauritian food.  But he knows I can't cook! So spending more time in the kitchen would be a venture I'm inclined to step into.

And in turn, hubby HAS to take me to the library!  I haven't read my kind of books in a long, long, long while.  I'm hoping that the local library's shelves would be racked up with my preferred genre of books to quench my literary thirst!

I've kinda given up on the weight issue.  Not that it's no longer an issue.  It still is and I'm taking baby steps towards that goal.  Gym is no longer on my list.  Controlling my food portion for every meal has become an important aspect in my weight loss programme.  I'm even skipping breakfast every other day.  (Yea, yea, yea.  Skipping breakfast is not good, yada yada yada...stuff it)

And the last thing on my to-do list is to keep my distance from people.  From real life people.  I believe in the "Familiarity breeds contempt" adage.  Recently, I've been hating on everyone I've met and been given the time of my day.  If they don't abuse your generosity they violate your privacy.  Don't take my kindness for my weakness.  Good thing I've turned into this cold-hearted, Ice Maiden bitch.  You well deserve it.

Funny thing happened last week.  I was watching this Bollywood movie, What's your Rashee?, and I could actually relate to the Libran woman - cynical, aloof, smug and unapproachable !  (I'm a typical Libra and no I seldom believe in horoscope!  Hubby is truly my knight in shining armor.  *sighs*)  That kinda shocked me.  And dragged me into another self-analysis spin.

Anyway, self-improvement would be the order of the new year 2010.  Call it determination, resolution, purpose or whatever - I'm ready!

Bring it on!

Fucked Up Friday

So today I woke up, thinking of ways to make up with hubby.  Things ain't too prom-prom right now because of last night's tiff.

He left home early morning to go get the newspapers and minutes later he came back home with a tot in his arms.  His friend's child.

Don't get me wrong, I love kids.  But 3 days in a week you send your child over without even asking me if I'd be free to take care of her.  I know hubby told his friend, the first time, that it's okay but I didn't expect it to become a regular thing! And without even asking me!

I'm sitting here by my laptop while hubby is taking care of his responsibility.  I'm mad at him and his friend.

I'm not a monster but I'm feeling like one.  I wouldn't cave in today though.  Hubby should embrace the consequence of his actions.  And deal with it.  Just don't drag me into it.  Not today of all days.

Here's to me...a fucked-up Friday!

Kiss My Ass!

So I know this 'person' who I didn't like much initially but tried my level best to get along with.

Out of politeness. Out of courtesy.  Out of respect.

I was trying to be nice for once and put a lid on my misgivings towards that someone.  It kinda worked for a few days.  And then misgivings turned into dislike which eventually turned into hatred!

Ignoring someone who seems to be clueless or just fucking stupid can be very annoying, and frustrating.  Especially when you know that particular individual is a tattler.  God I hate him/her!

Keep yourself busy with your own business and please stay out of mine! 

Why?

The urge to slap that person is overpowering.  

Taking stock of my situation and I feel the bile rising.

Karma is definitely a bitch and I can't wait...

Wednesday Emails - Benefits of SEX!

Without further ado let's have a look at how sex can enhance your life!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment.  Scientific tests have shown that a woman who has sexual relations produces large amounts of estrogen which makes hair shiny and soft.
2. To make love in soft and relaxed way reduces the possibilities of suffering from dermatitis and acne.  The sweat produced cleans pores and makes the skin shine. 
3. To make love allows to burn calories.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports. It strengthens and tonifies all body muscles. It is more enjoyable than doing 20 lapses in the pool. And you don't need special shoes! 
5. Sex is an instantaneous cure against depression. It frees endorphines in the blood flow, creating a state of euphoria and leaves us with a feeling of well-being.
6. The more we make love, the more we have the capacity to do more. A body sexually active releases a higher amount of pheromone. This subtle aroma excites the opposite sex! 
7. Sex is the safest tranquiliser in the world. It is 10 times more efficient than Valium.
8. To kiss everyday saves you a trip to the dentist. Kisses aid saliva in cleaning teeths and lower the quantity of acids causing enamel weakening.
9. Sex relieves headaches. Each time we make love, it releases the tension in brain veins.
10. To make love a lot can heal a nasal congestion. Sex is a natural antihistaminic. It helps fight asthma and spring allergies.

Disclaimer: Of course, you don't have to believe everything that's been said here.  But you ain't losing nothing by making love...with a condom at hand...or more than one! Enjoy your sex life...

If you want to participate leave a comment!

Brief Update!

It's been a while, at least it feels so, that I haven't posted anything.  I had my hands full with personal matters and hopefully I'll be back to my old routine soon.  Anyway, in between, I've changed my template layout.  And will no longer be using Disqus commenting system.  A link to the old comments will be provided just in case.  Still a few tweaks to go and then I'll be satisfied.

Happy Tuesday y'all.

P.S: Lots of blog posts to read and comment on! Soon...

Wednesday Emails - Marriage Humor

Before starting my own feature, Wednesday Emails, I never noticed how fast the minutes turned into hours, hours into days, days into weeks, weeks into months...and soon enough, it'll be the end of the year 2009!  Ask me what I've done during this year and I'll tell you, "Zilch!" Lucky me or unlucky me, you decide...

Anyway, I was supposed to publish my stickies yesterday for the Post It Note Tuesdays theme but I sincerely forgot! I'll catch up next week.

Time to remind you, again, that you are invited to share e-mails you've received from friends and families.  Leave it in the comment below.

Check out today's Wednesday Email...!

**NB: Some of them, you know already, you've heard and/or read it before.  But because you're a nice person you would merrily join in the laughter! Wouldn't you? :)

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing?! You've been staring at our marriage certificate for an hour!"
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes or no."

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet...why?"
Husband: "When there is a problem , no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how powerful and miraculous I am for you?"
Husband: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Son: "Mum, when I was on the bus with dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well you have done the right thing..."
Son: "But Mom I was sitting on dad's lap!"

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hasn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey", the wife replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies, "Thanks for the warning!"

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe, and said, "I like your sense of humor!"

A Piece Of Me...Like Hell Yes! December Will Be Out Soon!

I almost forgot all about A Piece of Me...until I opened Google Reader and found Angele's post! Thank you Angele...:)

Anyway read my first A Piece of Me post here.

And on to December...

I like: that a huge personal conflict got resolved today.  Something bad which turned out good.  It was weighing on our shoulder for a long time and out it came, with a sigh of relief at the end, despite the 'ugliness'...It always gets worse before it can get better...I'll end this cryptic paragraph right here...:)

I don't like: pretty much nothing at this present moment.  I can't wait to close the year 2009 chapter.  I'm so looking forward to year 2010 and hoping, praying for a much better year.  Oh what do you know? It started raining...and it doesn't look like the heat is ready to make way for some coolness to settle and embrace the night....ugghhh...

I want you to know: that Ray J is full of shit.  I'm sitting here watching For the love of Ray J and it beats me how those women fell for him and his pathetic excuse of finding love.  "You better believe that", says Ray J.  Yeah right! All you want is to sex them up biatches, period.  After watching the first season I thought that's it, no more Ray J, he found love...but it's all about publicity, publicity, publicity...and publicity right?

I've planned: to turn over a new leaf and try to be more active.  No more hogging the laptop.  Today I tried spending the day with no laptop and I quite succeeded...until Ray J and his minions made me wanna gag from pure disgust...Also, I've got a few tricks up my sleeve which I'd like to try on next year.  Who knows huh?!

I want to say to someone special: that whatever wrong you do, whoever to, even to yourself, it'll come out of the dark eventually.  Mistakes always catch up with you, and you better deal with it.  Now.  Loving you still...

So now, seriously, like, I'm starving? And, like, where the heck is hubby? Like, I've nothing better to do, like, on a Sunday evening than, like, waiting for you to come home? Like, what the fuck? 

Visit Toothfairy's blog or Angele's if you want to join in!

P.S: One of Steve Ward's, from Tough Love, 'students' just said 'leinguerie'!! OMG...it's friggin' lingerie!! *more gagging* Time for me to switch channel and find something interesting to watch...Happy December...Merry Christmas!

Another Used To Be

When I was growing up, I was very shy - still am.  I used to hate boys.  Several friends of mine had boyfriends or were attracted to someone without ever saying anything to the lad.  

All I was interested in was books.

Not study books.

Romance books.

Looking back, I got to admit that those books somehow tainted my expectations of what men are really like.  And that heroes, as depicted in those works of fiction, are, well...fiction!  They used to make me dream.  And hope that one day I'd have a hero of my own.

Fed by the tales of Mills&Boon and Harlequins, my imagination was running wild.  And just like that, a distant cousin of mine, hot and dashing, for obvious reasons, was no longer a cousin.

At least in my mind.  

He became my hero.

Though for many years, I denied the attraction.  

To everybody.  To myself.  

Until one day, I just told myself, "You have a crush on him, deal with it."

But the courage always deserted me whenever I had a chance to talk to him.  I became tongue-tied.  It's not as if I was planning to confess my 'love' to him!  Never in a million years will that ever happen!

Imagine all the tongues I'd set wagging just by professing my which-I-thought-was-love-then! 

With time I tried to forget him.  And moved on...on to pastures new.  However, the unrequited crush always lingers somewhere in the back of my memory.  From time to time, I'd even compare the 'newcomers' to him.

From my early 20s to mid, I've met people who, at one time, crushed on a cousin; first, second, third, fourth, or twice removed...

Of course, I was kind of relieved that I was not the only one who got attracted to a sexy relative.  I know some who even went further and farther than I dared to.

Thankfully, hubby, in his own weird but loving ways, overrode all the 'stale' feelings I had for him...

What's your story?!

Wednesday Emails - The Bitch Fairy

And again it's Wednesday.

And time for another Wednesday Emails post!

Disclaimer: It'd be advised to send your kids to bed, or just away while you're viewing this post. :)

All of you have heard about the Fairy Godmother and the Tooth Fairy right? Well now there there's another fairy whose sole mission is to put a smile on your face! Check her out...

For those who want to participate for the Wednesday Emails feature go ahead and please leave a comment with your blog url...

Happy Hump Day y'all...

Post-It-Note Tuesday - My First!

Woke up from my nap and opened Google Reader...started to read...and then I came across Carissa's blog...go on read it...

You done read her latest post?

No?

Then please click here and read it! :)

Aight! So those who read knows what's it all about...I'm hopping on the Post-It-Note-Tuesday-bandwagon too!

Adventures of WannaBe Supah Mommy started it all.  Instructions on how to join the supah fun (!) can be found on her blog here.  

Here we go!

Santa's Coming!

The first day of December.

In 24 days, it'll be a year I've left London for the Caribbean.

And of course, it'll be Christmas!

The last time Santa gave me anything was when I was in my teens and I don't even remember what it was. The only thing that excited me, still does, is the family/friends get-togethers. I simply love those.

This year, for the first time I'll celebrate Christmas in the Caribbean. I hear they have the Nine Morning celebration. I have yet to find out what that is. Else, I'll be looking forward to Christmas/New Year's parties. Plus the food. :)

And somehow, I need to lose at least 20 kilos so that I can buy some new clothes and feel good about myself. For almost two weeks now, I've been eating fruits and vegetables, drinking lots of water and fruit juices. Pizzas and KFC burgers are off the list. For now. M&Ms off the list too.

I made some progress. I wasn't convinced when hubby told me that I've dropped a few pounds. On Sunday, while we were in Bequia, I tried on my bikini and it fit me! It made me so happy that I think I may have eaten more than I planned to for lunch! Meh...

So what y'all looking forward to for this Christmas?